“Allow yourself the uncomfortable luxury of changing your mind. Cultivate that capacity for “negative capability.” We live in a culture where one of the greatest social disgraces is not having an opinion, so we often form our “opinions” based on superficial impressions or the borrowed ideas of others, without investing the time and thought that cultivating true conviction necessitates. We then go around asserting these donned opinions and clinging to them as anchors to our own reality. It’s enormously disorienting to simply say, “I don’t know.” But it’s infinitely more rewarding to understand than to be right — even if that means changing your mind about a topic, an ideology, or, above all, yourself.”
-Maria Papova “7 things I learned…”
ANSWER QUESTIONS WITH MORE QUESTIONS
We take on the values of the people around us, their beliefs, and their understanding of the world. For example, my conservative parents didn’t have books in our home about Hippies. Not only does this not align with their interests but they also didn’t want me to know about a “rebellious group” that didn’t align with their values.
As children grow, go to school, and are exposed to new information, books, and people, their world opens up to even more curiosity. We as adults, feel this need to have answers and to make sense of their world for them.
But why?
“Be slow to answer your children’s questions but quick to motivate their curiosity”.
Teach your children to fish. Share facts, not your opinions. If your child comes home from school, having just learned about the Vietnam War, and asks you, “Mom what’s a hippie?” How will you answer?
My parents might have said something similar to “why do you want to know about those crazy free-lovin, fools that just smoked weed all day”? So then I ask, “What’s weed”? As my parents back peddle and avoid all these “uncomfortable questions” I instantly associate, questions are bad and hippies are something my parents don’t like. Not only am I no closer to the information I sought, but I’m also scared of Hippies and asking questions.
OR
My parents could have used this opportunity to teach – to say, “The hippies as they were nicknamed were typically young adults, who decided to use their voices and protest the Vietnam War. Many were in college and learning about the effects of war, or had family members who were sent away and came back maimed or dead. So, they decided to become activists and use their 1st amendment rights to speak up against the government”.
This answer is totally absent of opinion and bias. Clearly stating the facts let’s the “learner” learn FIRST and then hopefully be curious and want to learn more and get several books on the topic, to come to their own knowledge and thoughts about “Hippies”.
Don’t give kids your opinions, give them the skills to think and learn critically. This one skill alone will provide your children with a valuable life skill to learn how to navigate the world around them. Giving your children the freedom to use their mind will help them in future situations where they will NEED to question and push back. This will help them to create confidence in knowing they can’t be taken advantage of in something as simple as a salesman trying to sell them a gadget they don’t need or protect them from something more serious like a predator that is trying to take advantage of them.
Never has this skill been more needed than now, in our current climate of clickbait headlines. Before the internet, we lacked access to information. Now having a plethora of information we lack confidence in information. We don’t know who to believe.
I don’t want my children to know the world through my eyes. My eyes work for me. My children aren’t me, they have their own unique personality and needs. Let your children get the answers THEY need. It’s pretentious to think we’ve got it all figured out. Maybe we’re wrong. I’ve been humbled many times by my children when I allow them the space to express themselves and share with me what they’ve learned about a topic.
Ask your children questions about their knowledge on the topic. When we articulate our thoughts it challenges us to make sense of them. It helps us to see how little we do actually know so that we can be challenged to seek out more and better information. We shouldn’t feel the need to raise children that just repeat what they hear, especially from us. Challenge your kids and ask them why they have a certain opinion. Where did you get your facts-are they facts? How do you know this? Create an environment for expansion, not finality.
“My goal is not to shove information into your head. It’s to find ways to reignite the curiosity that we all had as children for the natural world. You don’t have to tell a child to explore the backyard”.
Neil deGrasse Tyson
When we tell people what to think we aren’t leaving room for them to be curious and explore on their own. If you’re an adult, you have “power” over children, you’re essentially saying, “You don’t need to think. I’ll think for you”. You don’t allow them or more importantly show a need to exercise and use that muscle – their brain. You’re basically creating a lazy non-thinker.
HOW TO SHARE GREAT INFORMATION
So maybe what I am trying to express here is that the things we learn shouldn’t be used to convince others that “I’m right and you’re wrong”. In fact, the goal shouldn’t be to win an argument. The goal should be, how can I help people better understand a new idea? How can I share information in a way that is compelling and not threatening? People are more apt to listen to new information when they don’t feel as if they are being challenged. If your goal is to be heard and more importantly, share better information then let’s learn how to “persuade” people the right way.
Here’s what I learned from Reddit (and some other really amazing researchers)
ELABORATE
By clearly stating your view it allows you to see that maybe you don’t know as much as you think you do about the subject matter. There is plenty of social science research to support this. You’ll find that often your beliefs are just Meta beliefs. This means we believe that we believe things because we’ve carefully contemplated them inside and out.
When you elaborate on your beliefs it can help you to see the flaws in them, especially when you express them in front of other people. It holds you responsible and accountable to them.
The back-fire effect is the well-documented phenomenon that when we get presented with information that goes against our original belief and makes us think differently or changes our view, we don’t say, “Wow that was interesting. I’m enlightened”. We in fact do the opposite and double down on our original, inaccurate thought.
Going a step further we label this person as, “well they’re just a conservative, or an atheist, or a conspiracy theorist, or a racist, etc.” It makes us feel better about holding on to our view because if we don’t like that label then we have an excuse to why they’re wrong and we’re right – why we shouldn’t be open to learning from them.
The uniqueness of “change my view”, my favorite category on Reddit is that everyone is anonymous. You can’t easily label them. You need to find an origin to this person to be able to place them and you can’t here. This is such a good lesson to learn from CMV, because if we can’t “see” someone we can’t judge them and that judgement/label keeps us from making the best choices and decisions.
USE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
Buffer your argument with your personal experience. It always helps to have someone from a different background, a different experience than you, to open your eyes to a world you’re not familiar with. How can you not appreciate or at least be willing to listen to someone who has been somewhere you haven’t. They can shed light and give new perspective to the topic because you have never experienced that vantage point. It’s like debating war with a war vet or a general in the army. Please tell me you would listen with open ears?!
USE BULLET POINTS
Use bullet points because your thoughts are more organized and concise. It’s easier to understand your own thoughts too and stay on track to get to your point across.
Even when speaking you can say, “I feel that Halloween is the greatest holiday because of 1,2,and 3”. This showcases your ideas into a succinct and easily understood order. It helps the other person to clearly understand your ideas and in return will be more easily swayed to your view.
If someone bullet points their beliefs they took more time thinking about them. That alone shows that you’ve done your research, and you at least “look like” you know what you’re talking about.
PROVIDE AMPLE INFORMATION
This might seem obvious but it is often missed. People make statements instead of taking the time to do the needed research to get the best information to back their ideas. The more information you provide, the stronger your argument. If you say, “Apples are more nutritious than oranges because apples have more fiber,” then you might not win your argument. Provide the nutrients of both fruits and also their deficiencies. Provide why more people can eat and tolerate one more than the other or that one is easier to digest than the other and therefore easier to absorb the nutrients.
AROUSAL
Never make someone mad. Not directly or even as part of a dichotomy. Don’t ascribe things to people’s persons. Don’t be personal! A conditional insult, “either u believe xyz or you’re a _________ (insert your insult) – never works to convince anyone. Never use a strawman’s argument. It shows that you are probably wrong because you are neither confident in your argument or are lacking enough intelligent information to support your ideas. You win an argument by winning the person first. You want to convince people, make them a friend.
TRIBES vs TRUTH
The human race is tribal for a good reason. In Paleolithic times being apart of a tribe kept us safe, it provided protection with the power of numbers. But more than that being a part of a group helped the group to gather lots of ideas and information to see which worked best. It’s a way to let the best ideas rise to the top and keep the race flourishing and propagating.
Research has also proven that being a part of a social group keeps us happy, healthy, less lonely, and actually helps us to live longer. So why would we mess with the “mother ship”? The power of the group has served us well.
Well, because, the opposite is true too. That gathering of ideas can also bring about bad ideas if individuals within the group don’t challenge them. So we have a choice to make. Go against the “protection” of the tribe or be a rebel and stand for truth? Some might ask is it worth it to seek truth or does it make more sense to find the value that comes with being liked and accepted by my tribe, which has become my home, my identity, my protection.
Kevin Simler put it well when he wrote,
“If a brain anticipates that it will be rewarded for adopting a particular belief, it’s perfectly happy to do so, and doesn’t much care where the reward comes from — whether it’s pragmatic (better outcomes resulting from better decisions), social (better treatment from one’s peers), or some mix of the two.”
If we’re trying to share new information with someone it makes sense to become their friends first, or at least gain their trust and respect. If a new idea threatens who they are and the group they are a part of they won’t take that risk. But if they see you and your group as a great place to be too – that I can have a “home” here too – they won’t feel that they have to capitulate to the original group and keep following bad ideas. It won’t seem threatening to follow the truth. Instead of losing friends, they’ll actually see that they are gaining a larger group. Maybe instead of just having to be a part of a conforming non-inclusive tribe I can just be a part of humankind. I think I like the all-inclusive human tribe best:)
USE FIRST PERSON PRONOUNS
Use I instead of we. Use your personal opinion that is not held by a group. You’re responsible for your own opinion. If it’s we, you’re responsible for having the whole group change their opinion. If you affirm that it’s your opinion then you are showing that you also have the ability to change your own opinion – that you’re in charge of it. It’s not someone else’s to change, like a group leader for instance.
Isn’t it interesting that we’re MORE willing to change our mind the MORE we know about something, the MORE we understand it. Doesn’t that seem ironic. We would think that the more we know about a subject, the more it would “prove that we are right” but in fact, it’s quite the opposite. You now know that knowing everything has shown you the “holes” in the subject – what it’s lacking.
Another life lesson from Maria Papova in reference to the poem Pi on her website Brain Pickings:
“Question your maps and models of the universe, both inner and outer, and continually test them against the raw input of reality. Our maps are still maps, approximating the landscape of truth from the territories of the knowable — incomplete representational models that always leave more to map, more to fathom, because the selfsame forces that made the universe also made the figuring instrument with which we try to comprehend it.”
Your brain is powerful! Use it to be curious. Use it to spread good information that change people’s lives. Use it to connect and love others. Use it to live a fulfilling life!
Have conversations with people. Share ideas. Be open to hear NEW ideas. It doesn’t mean you have to convert to them. But if you’re willing to come to the table with an empty cup, you might just learn something new. What’s the harm in that?! You just might make a new friend too.
PLEASE SHARE! SEE THE SOCIAL SHARE BUTTONS BELOW. “When you learn, teach when you get, give.” Words have power and make change only when they’re shared:)
